Noughtie Cyclists

I came across this in the SMH. Thought it might amuse some. What about 6. The Trikies?

Prance Armstrong and Sydney's two-wheeled tribes
From: SMH January 2, 2010 For discussion only and non-profit use
Author: Matt Buchanan (SMH writer)
As cycling surges in popularity, a cursory look reveals the throng on two wheels is made up of several distinct tribes, writes Matt Buchanan.

IT is only now, over the summer holidays, as recreational riders merge with everyday riders into one whirring multicoloured throng, that you can really see how great a trend cycling became in the Noughties.

Throughout the decade Australians bought more bikes than cars. We now own about 1.4 million more bikes, compared with 1 million of their fossil-fuelled counterparts.

The number of people who chose cycling as their method of commuting boomed - by 2016, 5 per cent of all journeys to work are expected to be by bicycle, up from 0.8 per cent in 2006.

In November the NSW Government reacted to the numbers and the broad rise in community awareness of the environmental, health and practical benefits of pedal power by including a bike plan in its transport blueprint.

True, with this has come a periodic fist-shaking antagonism between the 9 to 30-kilogram bike and the two-tonne sedan or hatch - not to mention the 20-tonne truck.

Cyclists will tell you that cars collectively react to their entry onto the road just as antibodies do to pathogen in the bloodstream: by surrounding, subduing and destroying it. To which some motorists will say: Well - yes. Quite right, too.

Both groups dream of the safe segregation that widespread cycle paths would bring. But then the chairman of Bicycle NSW, Alex Unwin, thinks the rapid growth of cycling is precisely what will bring more cycle paths.

''We have reached a fundamental turning point,'' he said. ''Ten years ago bike riding was a specialist activity. Now bike riding is a mainstream activity. Increasingly, government understands that this is a good thing. The City of Sydney has put a lot of money into specialised bike infrastructure and now the State Government is coming into line [with the bike plan], and there's now a national cycling strategy being reworked this year.''

Mr Unwin says there are three reasons for cycling's growth: it is healthy, it is environmentally responsible and it is better to whizz through traffic than sit in it.

''The big growth has come because people who live within five to 10 kilometres from work see it as a smart, quick way to get there because the city is so congested,'' Mr Unwin said. He sees it getting safer too. ''As more people get riding, you get an increased level of awareness … and you get more infrastructure … which make things safer and encourages others to ride bikes.''

1. The Leg Shavers (or Prance Armstrongs)
These near-frictionless obsessives have calves as sleek and hard as skittles and live in a Tour de France of their own minds, racing around city roads, freeways and country carriageways alike in whirring pelotons, stopping only to sip lattes en masse in Darlinghurst cafes, radiant in their eye-scorching yellow Peugeot Spandex and lycra. At Tour time some install stationary bikes in front of their TV and follow the le pack from les Pyrenees to Paris - while still in Pyrmont. Some couriers belong to this group.

2. The ''Fixies'' (or the Nutters)
This group ride fixed-drive bicycles inspired by those used in velodrome racing. Fixed-drive means one single gear and - quite seriously - often no conventional brakes. These oft-bearded loonies aim to achieve a Zen state by anticipating all obstacles and, in regard to traffic lights, laughingly refer to themselves as colour blind. Should stopping become a (reluctant) necessity, Fixies will stop by raising their rear tyre in a sort of agitated and utterly un-Zen-like bunny hop, and then go about jackhammering the road with their front tyre. Like couriers - who make up much of their number - they will, if stopped for more than a moment, twist themselves and their bikes into all sorts of figure-eights just to avoid putting a foot on the road in the apparent belief that the road is suddenly not a road but a nasty snapping shark.

3. The Road Worriers (or the A-to-Beavers)
A diffuse group of everyday commuters riding all manner of pushie, from gleaming drop-handle racer to creaking old faithful. They are motivated to pedal to work for health/economic/green reasons or because of a disillusionment with the public transport system or, just as often, out of a bloodyminded, fist-shaking desire to stick it to what they perceive to be Sydney's casually murderous motorists. Characterised by sensible fluoro safety gear, backpacks for their work clothes and the slightly self-conscious way they wear their tight black stretchy shorts - and, oh, yes, for meandering with sarcastic slowness in the middle of freeway lanes just to show that ''it's my lane too, mate''.

4. The Basket Cases
These homely riders are distinguished by their utilitarian approach. They proceed to and from the corner grocer on a sensible, older-style bicycle with raised handlebars the frame of which is bulked up with bags, baskets and babies. They wear anoraks, signal ostentatiously, know how to affix a pannier, and can be recognised by the ''One car less!'' sticker on their quivering mudguards.

5. The Flat Tyros
Australians own more bikes than cars, and this very large group - who intend to ride to work/shop/end of their driveway but never do - is one of the principal reasons why. Usually found looking wistfully (or resentfully) at cyclists from cars and buses. (A subset here is the Spin Class: people who dress up in all the gear and ride on a stationary bike at the gym in front of MTV).