Two wheels, and both of them dangerous

This article is by SMH columnist, Danny Katz. It's not as anti-cycling as it may first appear. Read it through the lens of irony. Enjoy.

Aknowledgement: "Two wheels, and both of them dangerous" is written by SMH and Age columnist, Danny Katz. On-line: June 6, 2011 - 11:49AM

"They're the bullies of the roadways, they're the most aggressive vehicles on the street, they're just big-tyred energy-guzzling eyesores that intimidate every car driving around them — and it's time something was done about those 2-Wheel Non-Drive vehicles they call bicycles.

Pushy pushbikers, they're always whinging about how dangerous it is for THEM on the roads, but it's actually us gentle harmless car drivers in our small vulnerable metal-enclosed cars who are terrified of cyclists and their pedal-powered "death-machines". Notice how cyclists go out of their way to break every road rule? You could be waiting patiently in a traffic jam, but a 2-Wheel Non-Driver thinks they're too good for that — they'll just get off their bike, lift it up on to the kerb, and walk it along the footpath! If I picked up my Hyundai Sportswagon and walked it along the footpath there'd be a big hoo-ha, but cyclists do whatever they like; such arrogance! And the way they park their 2-Wheel vehicles wherever they please, just chaining them to a light pole or a park bench — why don't THEY have to pay 32 bucks an hour to park in a multistorey car park with no safety barriers on the 8th floor?

Cyclists don't seem to care about road safety either. Sometimes when I open my driver's-side door without looking, a cyclist will ride up really close and try to rip off the door with their upper-body — I don't understand this extreme hostility towards us! Or around primary schools when cyclist-parents pick up their kids in huge oversized off-road bikes with a kiddie-caboose on the back! — they'll ride those huge monstrosities right up to the school gates where little children are wandering around, it's downright dangerous! Why do they need such enormous bikes anyway? If you're a farmer-cyclist or a tradie-cyclist, fine, but for school pick-ups? Outrageous!

And, of course, there's the brutish aggression of racing-cyclists on souped-up hoon-cycles: last Sunday I was driving along a bayside road, innocently weaving in and out of the bike lane, and a whole gang of cyclists tried to overtake me ON THE INSIDE at reckless speeds of up to 20 kilometres an hour, forcing me to swerve dangerously back into the car lane! I could've been killed, but I was too scared to say anything to them — they looked very threatening with their hairless calves and taut torsos. Some of the men even appeared to be concealing small metal-pipes down the front of their cycling shorts to use as weapons.
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And one more thing: I'm fed up with their general sense of superiority. They think they're so eco-conscious but I've seen cyclists riding up hills, huffing and puffing and emitting their fair share of CO2 — if cyclists want to reduce carbon emissions, the least they can do is cut back on exhalations. And OK, maybe they're slightly more fit and healthy, but do they have to taunt us so cruelly by wiggling their sexy pert buttocks in our faces as they ride by? It just makes us feel insecure and unattractive, sitting in our cars, our arse-flab dribbling over the edge of the seat into the little gap where the handbrake is.

Pushy pushbikers: it's time they showed a little consideration for us poor victimised petrol-dependent parking-overcharged traffic-jammed ozone-depleting beanbag-bummed motorists. And I even haven't even mentioned those 4-Wheel Non-Drives — the recumbent-bike. Just keep right away from those big buggers or you'll get viciously sideswiped by a bearded old hippie with an engineering degree.'


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